Identify your feelings and express your needs to create a compassionate connection with others

Observe the situation without judgment
For example, let’s say you walk into your living room. You observe five pairs of your teenage son’s dirty socks strewn under the coffee table and on top of the couch. Take a couple of deep breaths to give you time to frame your response clearly and honestly. Only proceed once you’ve calmed down.

Tell the other person what you feel
Identify and express the specific emotion you’re feeling. You can say, “John, when I see dirty socks strewn all over the living room, I feel irritated.” At this point, you have his empathetic attention.

Clearly state how your need is connected to the feeling you’ve identified
Now, tell them why you’re feeling irritated and the need you have. For example, “I feel irritated because I need to have more order in the rooms that we share.” Now he clearly understands what your needs are.

Make a specific request to get your needs met
Follow up with “Would you be willing to put your socks in your room or in the washing machine?” If you’ve expressed your request clearly, he’ll take action to meet your needs.