Take back your power

Identify how you’ve used coping mechanisms in childhood and adulthood
On a sheet of paper, write down the coping mechanisms you’ve been using. These include: Doing things right; Playing it safe; Not rocking the boat; Controlling and manipulating; Repressing your feelings; Being helpful; Withholding information; and Avoiding difficult situations. Write down an example of how you used each coping mechanism in childhood. Then, next to each childhood example, write down how you use this strategy to control your adult life. Share this information with someone you trust.

Examine areas in your life in which you routinely feel frustrated
Pick one area in your life that makes you feel out of control e.g. your marriage. Step back from the situation and ask yourself: Is the difficulty I’m having with this marriage the result of me projecting the reality I want to believe? If I had to accept the reality of this situation, how may I change my response to it?

Express your feelings in a healthy and positive way
Take responsibility for your feelings instead of blaming the other person. Instead of saying “You’re making me mad,” you can say “I am feeling angry.” Instead of saying “I feel like John was trying to take advantage of me,” you can say “I’m feeling helpless and frightened.”

Cope with your fears using mantras
Write down one fear that has been controlling your life. For example, you may be fearful of divorcing your wife even though the marriage is dead. Once you decide to face the fear, start repeating to yourself, “I can handle it. No matter what happens, I will handle it.” Repeat this mantra until you take action and the feeling of fear dissipates.

Identify how much you compromise to avoid conflict and keep the peace
Over the next week, observe how much you allow people to disregard your boundaries. Do you say “yes” when you want to say “no”? Do you agree to things to avoid conflict? Do you tolerate intolerable situations hoping they will go away? Write down your observations and share them with someone you trust.