How to Be the Love You Seek

Practice co-regulation techniques to provide a sense of safety in the relationship

Instructions

Identify common stress triggers in your relationship.
Pay attention to the moments when you or your partner become tense. Note these occasions and discuss them together when you're both calm. For example, if discussing finances often leads to stress, acknowledge this as a trigger.
Learn about each other’s backgrounds empathetically.
Set aside time to share stories about your upbringing and past experiences that shape your reactions today. Understanding why your partner might react a certain way in stressful situations can increase empathy. You might initiate this by saying, "I'd love to understand more about how you grew up—let's share some stories."
Practice simple co-regulation techniques regularly. Introduce easy co-regulation practices like synchronized breathing during a quiet evening or while taking a walk together. Regular practice in calm moments builds resilience for stressful times.
Incorporate reassuring physical touch.
Agree on comforting forms of touch that you both appreciate and use them to reassure each other daily. For instance, squeezing hands when talking about your day can reinforce a sense of connection and security.
Reflect and learn from each conflict.
After resolving a conflict, take some time to discuss what happened. You might start this conversation with, "Can we talk about what went well and what we can improve for next time?" After the conflict is solved, create a habit that helps both of you reset after a disagreement, such as making a specific tea or going for a walk together, to symbolize moving past the conflict.
Prioritize understanding in conversations.
Practice active listening where you focus on really hearing and understanding your partner before responding. During a conversation, you might say, "Let me make sure I understand what you're saying," before summarizing their point to ensure clarity and acknowledgment.