Understand how your children feel when you use different methods of communication by putting yourself in their shoes.

Look at all the feelings and thoughts you have written down in response to each method of communication. They are likely negative feelings of worthlessness, anger, hurt, disappointment, rebellion, etc. If you, as an adult, experience those feelings just from reading some words on a page, what must children feel?

Now that you understand how your children feel when you use these methods of communication, you can begin to change how you speak to your children.

1. *Blaming and accusing.*
   This refers to using phrases such as “Why do you always do that?,” “What’s the matter with you?,” “Can’t you ever do anything right?,” etc.
   Consider how you would feel if you were a child and someone were to speak to you that way. Write all your thoughts down.

2. *Name-calling.*
   This refers to using phrases such as “How dumb are you?,” “That is a really stupid thing to do,” “You’re such a lazy slob,” etc.
   Consider how you would feel if you were a child and someone were to speak to you that way. Write all your thoughts down.

3. *Threats.*
   This refers to phrases such as “Do that one more time and you’ll get a smack,” or “If you’re not ready in five minutes, I’m leaving without you.”
   Consider how you would feel if you were a child and someone were to speak to you that way. Write all your thoughts down.

4. *Commands.*
   This refers to phrases such as “Take out the garbage now!,” “Clean your room right this minute!,” etc.
   Consider how you would feel if you were a child and someone were to speak to you that way. Write all your thoughts down.

5. *Lecturing and moralizing.*
   This refers to using phrases such as “I can see you don’t realize how important good manners are,” or “We do unto others as we would have others do unto us.”
   Consider how you would feel if you were a child and someone were to speak to you that way. Write all your thoughts down.

6. *Warnings.*
   This refers to phrases such as “Be careful or you’ll burn yourself,” or “Watch it, you’ll get hit by a car.”
   Consider how you would feel if you were a child and someone were to speak to you that way. Write all your thoughts down.

7. *Martyrdom statements.*
   This refers to phrases such as “Are you trying to give me a heart attack?” or “Wait until you have children of your own, you’ll know how exhausting it is.”
   Consider how you would feel if you were a child and someone were to speak to you that way. Write all your thoughts down.

8. *Comparisons.*
   This refers to phrases such as “Why can’t you be more like your sister?.”
   Consider how you would feel if you were a child and someone were to speak to you that way. Write all your thoughts down.

9. *Sarcasm.*
   This refers to phrases such as “You left your book in school even though you knew you had a test tomorrow? Good job, that was a brilliant thing to do.”
   Consider how you would feel if you were a child and someone were to speak to you that way. Write all your thoughts down.

10. *Prophecy.*
    This refers to phrases such as “You’re going to be a person nobody can trust when you grow up,” or “Keep being selfish, you’ll see, no one will want to be friends with you any more.”
    Consider how you would feel if you were a child and someone were to speak to you that way. Write all your thoughts down.