The Power of Moments: Why Certain Experiences Have Extraordinary Impact

“Peaks don’t emerge naturally. They must be built”

Peak moments are moments in your life that make you feel joyful, motivated, and amazed. Sometimes, these moments of elevation can be planned, like weddings. However, there are peak moments that occur spontaneously, such as a lover’s first kiss. Our problem is that we leave our memorable moments to chance instead of deliberately planning for and investing in them.

Many organizations focus exclusively on reducing the number of problems their customers face. They get trapped in the endless cycle of managing complaints instead of exceeding expectations. We do the same thing in our personal lives. How many times do you obsess over negative feedback instead of reflecting on the positive things people have said about you?

You can enjoy life more if you reallocate your attention away from filling potholes to building peaks. If you fail to do this, you’ll miss many great opportunities to elevate your life. You don’t need to spend a lot of money on creating peak moments. All you have to do is be intentional in making your everyday reality look and feel different than it usually does.

“You can’t appreciate the solution until you appreciate the problem. That’s what sparks sudden insight”

Whenever we encounter a persistent problem, we quickly develop solutions aimed at changing the existing system or structure. We assume that if we only fix the external aspects that we see, then the problem will go away. Then we become angry and frustrated when this fails to work. However, we’re facing a behavioral problem, not a hardware issue.

One peculiar aspect of human behavior is that we often fail to see the truth that’s right in our faces. You may have a problem that’s bothering you but instead of confronting it openly, you sweep it under the rug. Others may offer you solutions but you’ll never fix the issue until you trip over the truth for yourself. You have to experience a sudden and emotional realization that shocks you. When this happens, you’ll know that you’ve found the insight you needed.  

Tripping over the truth becomes a defining moment only when you’re exposed to information and allowed to make up your mind. It doesn’t work if someone just tells you what to do. You have to see the problem and your role in it so that you’re sufficiently motivated to take the necessary action.

“The promise of stretching is not success, it’s learning. It’s self-insight”

We all want our dreams to come true and enjoy a life full of happy endings. Yet life often has other plans. For example, you start a business you’re passionate about but the stress of entrepreneurship overwhelms you. After a while, you give up and close the business. While some would consider this a failure, you’ve gained insight that only comes from personal experience.

You gain self-insight the moment you realize that your capabilities and motivations aren’t aligned with your current lifestyle. Moments of self-insight are often triggered when you stretch yourself. This means putting yourself in a situation that exposes you to potential failure. You cannot develop self-insight by ruminating over an experience. You have to take action and then study your behavior.

This is what leads to greater self-understanding. It’s a journey that takes a lifetime, and you often have to walk this journey alone. However, you can experience more of these insightful moments by having people around you who provide direction and support. They will help you continually challenge yourself.

“Regardless of how skilled we are, it’s usually having our skill noticed by others that sparks the moment of pride”

We work hard and do our best in life so that we can become more talented and achieve our goals. These accomplishments allow us to have moments of pride. However, it’s the recognition we receive from others that make these moments worthwhile. This is why you easily recall the promotions you’ve had, the school awards you received, or the praise you got from your parents.

If recognition is important to everyone, why is it not a universal practice? The simple answer is that we’re not intentional about recognizing others’ efforts. Many “weak students” were transformed by the praise of one teacher who believed in them. The majority of employees say that their supervisors rarely express any appreciation for their work. It’s no wonder that the main reason for quitting a job is a lack of recognition.

The employee recognition programs that many corporations have created are ineffective. Some are mere formalities rather than true expressions of appreciation.  For recognition to be meaningful, it has to be frequent, personal, and authentic rather than a ritualistic ceremony.

“Hitting a milestone sparks pride. It should also spark a celebration—a moment of elevation”

Life is a long journey that’s peppered with many defining moments. Regardless of whether it’s a high or low moment, each deserves extra attention and sometimes a celebration. In the same way, pursuing a worthy goal should have its defining moments. We can call these moments “milestones.”

Milestones are intermediate steps that you go through on your way to a major goal. If the goal is the peak, then each milestone achieved becomes a mini-peak that deserves celebrating. Therefore, the more milestones you create, the more enjoyable the journey. This is important especially if you’re pursuing a goal that’s years away or extremely challenging. Each milestone achieved gives you the pride and motivation to keep moving forward.

“But courage isn’t just suppressed fear. It’s also the knowledge of how to act in the moment”

It’s almost impossible to anticipate a moment of courage. These moments are often fleeting and come upon you unexpectedly. If you’re not careful, a moment of courage can pass and you later find yourself regretting why you didn’t speak or act courageously. Since you cannot create a moment of courage, the only alternative is to practice for it.

Practicing a moment of courage requires discipline and training. Remember that you’re practicing for a moment when you’ll need to stand firm, stay calm, and take bold action. This is possible by gradually exposing yourself to challenging situations so that you can learn to manage your fears.

Your practice can involve physical, emotional, and mental rehearsals. The goal is to imagine a specific scenario, simulate how it would play out, and then formulate an appropriate response. By having a mental plan ready, you can act quickly and decisively when a moment of courage arises.

“If a group of people develops a bond quickly, chances are its members have been struggling together”

Some defining moments can be achieved as an individual, for example, moments of insight, pride, or courage. However, since we are social creatures, particular defining moments only arise when in a group. Such moments are only possible when we create shared meaning. When we find a mission that binds us together despite our external differences, we feel united.

When you’re in a group, you’re constantly evaluating the feelings and reactions of others around you. Everyone is busy tapping into the social signals being sent within the group. For example, someone cracks a joke and everyone laughs. Even when the joke isn’t that funny, you laugh because it’s a way to synchronize a social experience.

Apart from light-hearted moments, going through painful experiences with others also strengthens connections. This doesn’t mean that you should create hardship for the sake of bonding with others. However, you can come together to tackle a challenge that everyone in the group finds deeply meaningful. This is how you create a shared moment that will be remembered for a lifetime.

“Our relationships are stronger when we perceive that our partners are responsive to us”

Conventional thinking says that the more time you spend with someone, the deeper the relationship gets. This is not always true. For example, there are family members you’ve been spending time with for decades but the connection never deepens. Conversely, you remember a person you met and felt instantly connected to after just 10 minutes of knowing them. Other than time, other factors have a greater bearing on the strength of a relationship.

The main factor that explains why some relationships grow stronger while others collapse is responsiveness. Responsiveness is about gaining a deeper understanding of who the other person is and what’s important to them. There has to be an element of reciprocity, with each partner showing respect and treating the other how they want to be treated. You also have to take deliberate action to meet each other’s needs.  

The worst thing that you can do in a relationship is to be non-responsive. It shows that you don’t understand or care about the other person. Whether you’re interacting with an infant, a colleague, a customer, or a romantic partner, responsiveness is key to enhancing attachment and well-being. It’s a way of letting the other person know that they matter to you.